makes me giggle, idk, i listen to him after we lose. which we did. badly.
last night i did something i never ever do, i bawled my eyes out for no fucking reason and i just cried and cried and all that stupid shit, and i was just like ughhhhh because i was just thinking to myself that i couldnt stay here for very long, i feel trapped, and that isnt good for me because as everyone knows i cant stay rooted for very long because im never satisfied.
i want to settle down but i want to be free, and i need to have someone love me but im afraid of being let down. im just like a wild horse, i just need to be free and be able to go as i please. it's kind of funny because the only person ive ever dated for longer than a month was ricky and he was nowhere near me, it was one of those stupid internet things, but thats in my past. for some reason i got the wierdest urge to check his myspace? idk.
i made a cd list for my aunt, because my birfday is coming up, and all i had on there was miranda lambert, katherine mcphee, and kellie pickler, oh and sara bareilles. it was pretty pathetic.
i want a boy like in twilight. thats the ideal man for me. he cant resist me, but he has to and he holds himself back even though he's madly in love with me, and he wants me to be safe always, even though he knows he could hurt me easily.
fuck the boys here, i dont want to know them, but at the same time i find myself interested in a couple. its stupid because everyone here is exactly the same they all have their heads up their asses, and they dont give a shit unless you're servicing them. i wont drop down to that level. im not the trash that walks the streets of ann arbor. im not going to wear short skirts, or sexy shirts, or high heels. i want to throw everything in my past into a bottle and have it shatter on the sidewalk in front of me. cause i dont want it anymore. i dont need it anymore, i needed it when i was with michael. and when i was with ricky. but thats because i had no self confidence. it sucked being in a relationship. i hate it. i cant be tied down like that. ill be faithful if im not in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but no one thinks that way. they think if you're casually dating, all of the sudden you're fucking every guy in a ten mile radius. i know girls like that who are actually in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.
i owe courtney and shannon one because they've helped me get over everything ive ever done to hurt people, or even just myself. people just need to learn how to let go of things.
kay im done on my rantish typing.
xx apricottttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
so im in my fourth hour, and im bored, and im supposed to be reasearching something
but i cant remember what it is
so i found a pichur of a bunny.
:)
there's one cute boy in my class. all the rest are either "just friends" or they're assholes
2and sam 1keep1s 11p1r1e1s1si1ng1 m1y 1n1u1m1ber1s1
111111
:(
im gonna put a pichur of a guinea pig now.
and im almost failing math because i failed a test
i got like less than ten out of 48
D:
and ill be yours forever
i want a daschund named frank
and he'll have red, short hair, and will wear an oilers sweater
and sit on my lap during games :D
ajaksi ainoa jotta lempiä toinen että on erinomainen asia;
ainoastaan ajaksi we jotta lempiä avioliitto- herra on otaksuttu jotta olla erinomainen rikollisuus
rough translation:
for only to love another that is splendid case;
but for me to love married man is presumptive to be splendid crime
figure out what i was trying to say ahahahha
and all i can think of
dont hate :D
that we're too different, he may be perfect outside, but inside hes just not right for me.
his music isnt right
his girl choices arent right
he's just not for me.
ill just stick to jussi.
it has begun, my decent into his mind.
today i had my arm on his leg for like 3 whole minutes, then he walked across the room the check grades and did the "hey" look at me. of course i did it back. then he turned completely around in his seat and when i looked over and caught his eye, we both smiled and turned away.
later, i got the names "cam, me, scott, sam" in my conscious, and when our teacher named off us four as a group i got chills. then i stood by him and just giggled and made small talk.
ohhhhh baby.
i was just listening to A Rocket To The Moon, song "I Think About You Every Day" and it made me shut my eyes a bit, and just think. I Thought about what i wanted this year, what i wanted before the year ends. Does Anybody Have A guess? Yeah, Him! (from my last post, Cam)
They say that if you believe something enough, it'll happen. i believe in this, whole heartedly. i want him so bad, i want to hold him and look into his eyes, and just be with him. there's nothing saying i can't, hell, who would stop me?
maybe i should just go for it!
i mean, what have i got to lose? we've got a month and a half left, and only a bit of that is in school. i want to find out what his classes are next semester
, so i can get in there with him. i think that if i was forced out of my class, i would die of heartache.
xoxo,
Apricot !
I Believe It's True With Everything I've Got. They Probably Wouldn't Care To Know Me.
Love At First Sight, They Say Doesn't Exist, But To Me It Does. It Happened To Me; Twice. Once With A Former NHL Player, And Another Time With A Boy In My Fourth Hour. Both Play Hockey. Ahaha. The First, Jussi Markkanen, The Second, Cam Fowler.
Jussi, As Most hockey fans know, in '06 filled in for Dwayne Roloson, in the playoffs, after roli suffered injury. he took us all the way to game 7, but we lost 2-3. i fell in love with the way he proved everybody wrong. He was the backup goalie, and didn't play too many games. when he needed to do his thing, he did. Through everything though, he was modest as a mouse, and didn't pay too much attention to the media. i also fell in love with the way he smiled. he was like a crest ad, perfect white teeth. most NHL'ers are missing teeth, but not him, hes got the perfect teeth.
I've watched many, many interviews of his, and one thing that always gets me is that he cant put together complete sentences with his thick accent, and deep sexy voice. The Way he laughs, and hardly looks at the camera, just sort of concentrates on something off in the distance. In Chicago i went to watch him play, as they warmed up on the ice, i screamed "JUSSI!" and he looked up, smiled, and waved. i nearly died. my mom just laughed at me and didn't think about what it did to me. since then, i watch the video of him making a fish face at a camera unintentionally after watching a player get slammed to the boards. i miss him dearly, and quite frankly i would do anything for him.
on to cam...
on September 4th, 2007, at 11:20, after lunch i was heading into my fourth hour. as i looked around the room for an empty seat, i saw a really cute boy just staring at me with his mouth open, but when i looked at him he looked away. as the days have progressed, we've become closer. you could even say we're friends. we talk a lot, and flirt uncontrollably. im very shy though, and i dont know if i should tell him or not, its sort of on the fence right now. everyone around me thinks he likes me, but i dont know if he's got a girlfriend. which kind of sucks. the boy whos the buffer and the reason why we're so close thinks we're in love, but we dont know it yet. i hope so.
he plays on this extravagant hockey team, but wont mention which one, in case someone wants to like, stalk him. anyways, we talk about hockey and like the same teams, and i just want to hug him. :]
xoxo,
Apricot !
